"bad decisions" and authenticity (pt. 2)
more scattered thoughts on "bad" decisions and societal judgements
What really is a “bad decision?”
Lots of ‘bad decisions’ feel kinda relative, or gray in a way. It depends who it is, who you ask, where, when, etc. Obviously there are a lot of things that are inexcusable, but I’m talking more common, every day, “bad.” Because you could have two people, and their perception of, “bad” would be completely different.
I think I’m struggling with guilt, or something like guilt, that I’ve had since I was a tiny little wee one and my expectations for what my life was going to look like. Although, what my life was going to look like was thrown out the window when I was 15. Who I wanted to be, what I wanted, what I thought other people were like.
I grew up expecting everyone to hold the same values as my family. At least when it came to compassion and honesty. Every year since my 15th, I’ve been unpleasantly mistaken and weirdly shocked at the lack of honesty and compassion in others. I’d say those are my top two values, and I usually operate under the impression that the people I’m around will have that for me. It feels like the bare minimum, and I think a lot of people would agree with me here. Especially in the year 2025.
Age 15 is when I learned some people are just evil. Later than some, earlier than others. It is what it is. I think some people see someone so genuine and loving and wonder what they can do to a spirit like that. Some days I see myself as completely broken and ruined because of my traumas, but I also would say my spirit is unbroken more or less. I am still me. I still show up, loudly and proudly, in my daily life.
Me saying that is not a challenge! Nor is it an invitation to try doing that to someone! I don’t think we need to be saying, “but it made me/them a better person!” either, and that’s not what I’m trying to covey.
Talking with a friend the other day, we discussed how I show up as I am. There aren’t many times I would say I show up unauthentically in my life. I wear my heart on my sleeve, talk way too much, and I don’t think I’d say I give a shit about what people expect from me, like as a woman, or whatever else. I just care how genuine and honest I show up, on top of values like compassion that I expect from myself.
Since high school I, or people close to me, have overheard conversations about my authenticity and dgaf-ness. When my best friend overheard what some of the school’s “most popular” girls speaking on how they wish they could be more real and not care, “like Bella—” It felt like confirmation to keep being me. Mind you, these were girls I hadn’t spoken to, either ever, or since grade school. I was just a pretty ‘public’ figure’, and really loud in the courtyard :)
It was probably pretty hard to be someone at that school of tops 1000 students with no perception of the name “Bella H…” during most of my highschool years. I’m not saying that out of like, arrogance, but the reality of a small town/highschool and having a trauma that was vaguely pretty public knowledge, and then going on to try to educate the whole school, because the response from my peers and the administration was so unexpected and fucked up. Infamous is maybe the word for it.
Previous to this groundbreaking discovery at 17 or 18, I was under the impression most people at school thought I was stupid and annoying, or a lying bitch. Granted, I’m still pretty sure a lot of them did, but those who didn’t usually chose that stance in silence, which is reassuring in some ways, but also unhelpful at the time.
So when on this topic with a friend, we recognized that showing up authentically, and loudly, is kind of like giving others permission to do the same, and I love that. If my realness and honesty inspires others to be their most real and open self, then I think that’s really beautiful and I will continue to be me always.
When it comes to “bad decisions,” I’d say there’s a lot of shame and blame involved. Yes, there are ways to live, and choices to make your life uncomplicated, but sometimes life is complicated, and sometimes who you are is complicated… and not a choice. I believe choices can be “bad,” or rather, “ineffective” depending on who you are. I don’t think everything is “one fits all.” Does this make sense? I guess I’m being really vague, but I think you know what I mean. Different things are different for different people, and I guess what I’m really trying to convey is to not put your own preferences on others. You can live your life your way, and not yuck someone else’s yum for their life. Safety, boundaries, and compassion considerations applied here, of course.
I hold way too much shame and guilt for things I really don’t even believe I need to feel that way about.
As much as my life may have been different, or even easier, had I lived more like how society says I should, I don’t regret living with my heart on my sleeve and doing what was true to me and my experiences. I’ve been heavily judged all my life, so I think it’s time to just let go of all of the shame that’s ever been improperly placed on me and emphasize to myself that the way I live gives others hope for their own lives. That’s all I’ve ever really wanted— to give people a safe place to be themselves, or to influence them to live more authentically in their day-to-day lives wherever they are.
Can living authentically come with challenges? yes. Is it worth it? Absolutely.
<3 Isabella