8.10.25 Sunday
I used to feel like an open book. There’s nothing I would’ve really hesitated to say if it was my truth.
I couldn’t resonate with the feeling of not asking the questions I wanted to ask, or saying the things I wanted to say— Given it was something I was feeling, or really passionate about.
I was authentically me with no second thought, usually.
These days, I resonate a bit too uncomfortably with the feeling of not being able to get things from my head out my mouth.
I’m terrified of saying things that will change my reality, even if I already know them to be true.
It’s also very possible everyone already knows the truths I don’t speak, as the people in my life generally know me more than I realize.
Nevertheless, I’m in uncharted territory and it’s uncomfortable.
I’m encountering problems, or rather- parts of life, that I never expected to.
Although I’m happy and figuring out how to live as my truest self— probably more quickly than most, this weight on my shoulders is starting to dig at me.
<3 Lilith
8.10.25 Sunday
I’ve known what I want to do with my life for years. After a lot of trial and error, doubt, shame, and just straight up quitting, I think these roots will be the ones I stick with and nurture attentively.
I’ve been writing about my life as an outlet forever, and for at least five years, I’ve known that I want to turn my life experiences into writing and art to aid those who may feel alone in their own thoughts or lives.
There were many years that I felt alone, or exceedingly hopeless, and what I want is basically to show people that it can get better.
What made life better for me?
After finding a medication regimen that balanced out my brain chemistry a bit more, I did a few things.
From picking up rollerskating outside as a hobby to change the way I viewed myself, to completing a DBT program, and finding people I loved who made me feel seen, heard, and respected. On top of all of that, sharing my life experiences with those who can resonate, or even those who can’t, changed a lot for me.
I want to be a walking example that you can start at the bottom of the depression (etc) barrel, and come out with a beautiful life that you are excited to live.
Of course, some days, or even months, I fall back into a rut, but for the most part, I’m still happy with my day to day life.
Sure, there are things I want that I’m working toward, or don’t have, but I’ve created a life of little moments that make me feel fulfilled in the grand scheme of things.
DBT taught me that it’s all about creating a life you want to be living.
So…
I vision boarded the life I wanted on Pinterest.
I started roller skating in the streets with music that made me feel seen.
I started painting just for myself, on top of making collages.
I shaved my head, dyed my hair, grew it back out, found a hairstyle I liked.
I started wearing eyeliner and I dressed myself up every day with clothes I picked.
I moved to Canada, just to try it, really.
I came back, and found somewhere new that I loved.
I found new people I loved that weren’t associated with my past, or trauma.
I started to go out dancing.
and here I am.
I live in a dingy little studio, I need new roller skates, and I don’t always have money for the things that I want, but I have learned that life is bigger than what our home looks like, what we have, and our financial status.
Not that I’m not trying to work toward something more sustainable, or bigger, but I’m not waiting for stuff like that before I let myself be happy and grateful for what I do have.
The most important thing to me is that I’m able to take care of myself, express myself, and that I feel loved and respected by those I spend my time with.
<3 Lilith
8.11.25— Monday
I’m almost 25, but it feels like 24 flew by without me noticing. I feel like I was always transitioning into something new, or out of something old.
I started 24 with getting kicked out of my apartment by my roommate after weeks and months of lying and gaslighting me. This turned into a lot of different things.
I got a new apartment with my partner.
I quit the nanny gig that I loved, since I couldn’t commute anymore.
I got a new nanny gig.
I started a SubStack.
I got engaged and surprised everyone.
I quit the new nanny gig— that I loved.
I broke my lease.
I moved back into my parent’s house with my partner.
I got a job right away.
I got married in a small, but beautiful ceremony.
I started throwing up out of anxiety at work.
I quit my job.
I started college (again).
I moved back to the city after months of deliberation.
BREIF PAUSE, (sorta)
I got a new job.
I stopped one of my meds.
I got depressed without realizing.
I started having seizures, again.
I got a new diagnosis.
I quit my job.
I got back on my med..
I found my new normal…
Am I leaving out some details? yes, but that’s all you need to know! lol
8.11.25 Monday
More than anything, I want to spend this year NOT in tons of major transitions. I know things are gonna change and I’m going to feel a lot of growth, but I would rather it all be kinda gradual.
I think for the most part, that means— NOT breaking this lease/moving, and not getting a job that I know I’m not capable of working.
I’m realizing more than anything that my health is unable to take working for someone else. The odds of finding non-toxic management or an environment that doesn’t cause a flare-up seems to not be in my favor.
My doctor agrees that my health is much better when I don’t work, and my therapist has seen this pattern repeat itself a lot, too.
So—
What do I do with my time? or life, even?
I honestly have no real qualms with not working at this point in my life. My doctor said I may start having new questions for myself about identity, worth, and whatnot, but for me, this has been a long time coming.
I’ve known I was not meant to do any of that for a long time. I have seen my worth and purpose in expressing myself through art and movement for years, and I’m blessed to be in a position where that’s an option. Even if it really is the only effective one (for my health’s sake).
I don’t want to say I don’t think I’d survive long term continuing how I was, but… you get it.
As for college, it sounds kinda redundant to take out loans and go to school when education and information is abundant, but I don’t want to quit another thing, for one.
As my therapist reminds me, I need to complete school to prove to myself that I CAN, because I really need to see that I can do something… lol.
Outside finishing an associate’s degree that feels redundant, I am going to be spending my time creating, and expressing myself while sharing most of it. More and more as I go.
Whether that’s painting, poetry and prose, community, little videos, rollerskating, dancing, gaming, making zines, or publishing my own books, etc.
It’s never been a question to me that that’s what life is about (for me), so it’s not a huge leap for me to find my worth outside of capitalism.
Being able to spend my life doing it, though, is a blessing and a privilege. Even if it’s because I’m disabled to the point that it’s just not a viable option for me.
At this point, growing my own brand/business is my best option, if not the only one.
<3 Lilith