I left. For good this time.

read at your own risk

On June 18th, 2026, I left my spouse for the last time.

I had left many times in some way. I’m not sure I could even recall each individual time at this point.

From breaking up while I was on vacation, to leaving while he was out and sleeping on couches for days before going back, because those were not the couches that committed to me being their burden and I felt guilty for taking up space.

I tried everything— Ways to leave, ways to stay.

Tomorrow marks one month of really being out of it, although it has felt like at least nine.

The first week was almost pure bliss and my friends really pulled through for me (they still are) despite how little time I’d gotten to spend with them in recent years before leaving. They have showed me unconditional love and support, as they always have. Even when I stayed. Even when they told me to leave, and I stayed.

You might be wondering why I left, but there was not one or two reasons. There were hundreds. I usually say there were 3000, but hundreds, is probably more so around the right number.

I don’t really want to dwell on why I left, why I stayed, or why I was there in the first place. I have many regrets, but I am choosing to take them as learned lessons.

Something I’ve learned is that I really do need to prioritize myself, my wants and my needs— My individuality. I do better on my own, at least for now.

I got married really quickly, and I honestly— just got lovebombed, swept up and didn’t trust my gut or myself in general.

I’m sharing this because if I want you to take something out of my experience so to not replicate my experience, because it is truly a dangerous one.

I want you to trust yourself. Trust your gut. Take your time. If you’re confused about if you want to be in it or not, that’s not a good place to be. Don’t just be there to be somewhere. Transitions are hard, but being alone is better than being with someone you don’t feel (emotionally, physically, or mentally) safe with.

Your body, your heart and your nervous system deserve peace— With your partner, in your home, and in general.

I’ve always known, really. I just didn’t want to see it.

I hate to say it, but it’s freeing, if nothing else.

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From the age of two, I wanted that fairytale love. To find someone to laugh with, to love, to share a life with. When I found someone who said they wanted to give me that, I let them. Despite despite despite.

The older I’ve gotten, the less I’ve believed in the love I’ve always craved. I wish that weren’t true, but I really held on for longer than I would’ve expected after everything I’ve gone through in relationships.

When I was 15, I was raped and then my first boyfriend told me that the love I wanted doesn’t exist. Brutal combo. Really kicked me while I was down.

All that to say, I’ve held both of those things with me since then. The sentiment that it isn’t about what I want, and that what I’ve wanted doesn’t even exist.

I’ve been trapped in a vicious cycle of prioritizing other people and experiencing violence and I would like to be done now. I think I finally learned my lesson. May the world’s worst men stop coming to my door, but that also means I need to see them for who they are when they show me and discontinue their invitation into my life. I’m not blaming myself, but I cannot continue giving access to those who don’t deserve anyone if they are going to show up like that.

Regardless, I hope to keep showing up with love — To love with my whole heart, but to bake cookies and give my patience only to those who deserve it.

All my love,

Bella (Lilith)