If nothing else, I am a runner
p.s. I'm safe
I would leave everything here. I tried to leave everything here. I desperately longed to forget the warmth of your hands, and the valley that gave me a decade of sorrow. I wanted to forget everyone I ever loved, because they were all lost anyway. I wanted to pretend I wasn’t who I am, and you never even met me. If nothing else, I am a runner.
I yelled to the ends of the earth that I was leaving everything behind, and I did. My belongings went to goodwill and I ran an almost perfect 1000 miles away. It was simultaneously the most beautiful time of my life, and the loneliest I’ve ever felt. It no longer felt like the world was ending, but that I was. This made for months painting from sunset to sunrise– which turns out not to be very long in the Canadian Rockies.
999.6 miles happens to be enough to mostly forget the pain from where you’re from, but far enough to grow an unfamiliar one. I will likely regret for a bit longer that I didn’t hold on through the pain of being alone on my journey. Sometimes It still feels like I fucked up what could’ve been the best thing I ever did for myself.
Isabella Raine Rose
Something I wrote for class ^^^^^
Something I wrote for myself vvvvv
CW— Suic1dal Ideation
I often want to run.
Not like down the block and around the corner,
but away— like forever.
I want to throw away my phone
and disappear into beautiful scenery
where nobody knows my name
and I can’t be found.
And when I don’t want to run, I try not to jump.
Not like off a bridge,
but also like, off a bridge.
The impulses are high and mighty,
but I try not to do anything too permanent these days.
The kind of decisions I can’t take back,
or get out of.
Like DMs that would ruin my life and put me in danger.
When I’m not thinking about running,
or jumping,
I’m often very happy,
and want very much to be seen.
When I don’t want to be seen,
I want to be heard.
The problem is there isn’t really an in-between.
Everything either feels perfect, or fucking ruined.
If nothing else, I am a runner.
Isabella Raine Rose
don’t worry, if you can help it.