Sometimes I worry I will run out—
of thoughts to think, or feelings to feel.
That my life will become boring or consistent
in a way that I wouldn’t have anything to say about it.
~
For the last few years,
I’ve begged for consistency,
but I, myself, am anything but.
<3 Lilith
August 18th, 2025
My doctor said I may have some sort of identity or self-worth crisis when we decided I’m a lot healthier without a job, and I’m afraid he was right.
It’s been 3 weeks since I quit my job. It was partly for health related issues, partly for management being mean about my health related issues, and partly to pursue my dream of being an author and an artist as a job.
I was statically happy for the first 18 days. It was day 19 that all music started to sound the same again. Days started blending together, and hope seems to have left my body.
It was day 17 my therapist and I had the grand idea of going back to an early childhood education degree and becoming a nanny again, because It’s the only job I really know how to love and keep.
But maybe that idea wasn’t so grand.
Four days have passed and I have no prospects. Usually it only takes a couple days to have a few.
I’m not sure If I’m just feeling discouraged, or if I’m just not resonating with it anymore. I realized that in the last four days, I was so excited about an income of my own that I forgot about my dreams again.
It’s day 21 and I’m thinking more back along the lines of a literary internship and preparing myself to self publish a collection of poems. Realistically, I just need to stop venturing out from my dream. It’s just hard to not fantasize about having a normal income immediately.
Now that I think about it, I quit the job I had when I was 18 to work on publishing a book of poetry. I’m 25 now, and although I feel closer than ever, that’s a little rough to realize.
That’s seven years where I prioritized a biweekly, usually low-wage income over everything I knew I wanted. It’s hard being broke, but it gets harder as time goes on and I keep switching between making progress in capitalism and making progress in my own wants and dreams. Realistically, I’ve not gotten anywhere in my career goals because I can’t stick with something. Just ONE thing. I always try to do both, and it never works for me. I just don’t have that much in me.
<3 Lilith